Man of La Mancha-Trigun style
by Aozame Yokujin
Summary: A parody of the musical. Last Act is up! That's the fastest I've ever written a fic! Wow... R
1. Act I

**__**

Man of La Mancha - Trigun style  
Act I

Cast-

Don Quixote - Vash the Stampede (DQVash)  
**Vash the manservant** - Vash the Stampede (Vash)  
**Wolfwood/Sancho the manservant** - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (SanchoWW)  
**Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes** - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Wolfwood)  
**Captain of the Inquisition** - Chapel the Evergreen (Chapel)  
**Meryl the Whore/Dulcinea** - Meryl Stryfe (Meryl)  
**Midvalley the Innkeeper/The Governor **- Midvalley the Hornfreak (Midvalley/MHGov)  
**Dr. Knives/The Duke** - Millions Knives (Knives/MKDuke)  
**Padre Legato** - Legato Bluesummers (Legato)  
**Dominique the Niece** - Dominique the Cyclops (Dominique)  
**The Housekeeper** - Milly Thompson (Milly)  
**Rai-Dei the Barber** - Rai-Dei the Blade (Rai-Dei)  
**Monev, Head Muleteer** - Monev the Gale (Monev)  
**Leonef, Muleteer** - Leonef the Puppeteer (Leonef)  
**Zazie, Muleteer** - Zazie the Beast (Zazie)  
**Caine, Muleteer** - Caine the Longshot (Caine)  
**E.G. Mine, Muleteer** - E.G. Mine (EGMine)  
**Maria, the Innkeeper's Wife** - Random Female Prisoner. (Maria)

****

Songs-

"Man of La Mancha (I, Don Quixote)" - Don Quixote and Wolfwood  
*  
Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun. I do not own "Man of La Mancha" which the script to, and the songs of, belong to Dale Wasserman and Joe Darion. The story of Don Quixote belongs to Miguel de Cervantes. I'm not making money off this, and I'm a broke college student anyway so there's no point in sueing me.

**********

Locale: Spain at the end of the 16th century.

The prison room is scattered with many people of different backgrounds, both male and female. Above, a staircase is lowered and the soldiers of the Inquisition enter, followed by two men and a large chest. The two men are both tall, the first man has shaggy black hair and piercing blue eyes. He is carrying a tattered journal in one hand and a large, covered cross in the other, he also has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He's wearing a black suit with a white shirt and a pair of black sunglasses. The second man is about the same height as the first, with spiky blonde hair and green eyes. He has a small mole below his left eye and is wearing a long red coat, along with a pair of golden sunglasses. He is carrying the large chest on one shoulder. Everyone else is wearing normal 16th century, Spanish clothing.

The first man glances around the room uncertainly.

****

Captain Chapel: _(smiles sardonically)_ Something wrong? Are the accommodations not what you wished?  
**Wolfwood de Cervantes:** No… No, they're quite… interesting…  
**Chapel:** The cells are below. This is the common room for those awaiting their judgement.  
**Wolfwood:** How long do they wait?  
**Chapel:** Some an hour… Some a lifetime.  
**Wolfwood:** Do they all await the Inquisition?  
**Chapel:** Ah… No. These are merely thieves and murderers. _(turns to leave)_ If you need anything, just shout… If you're able…

__

Captain Chapel and the other men of the Inquisition leave, taking the stairway with them. Vash sets the chest down on the floor and sits on it. Wolfwood leans the cross against the chest and pushes his sunglasses on top of his head.

****

Vash the Manservant: What do you think he meant by that?  
**Wolfwood:** You're so naïve… It's a good thing they didn't open the cross.  
**Vash:** Actually…  
**Wolfwood:** You let them look!?! _(Vash cringes) _You IDIOT! _Now_ we're gonna die…

__

The other inhabitants of the common room have begun coming closer to the two men, and are circling around the strangely dressed men, like animals hunting their prey. The two men stand back to back nervously.

****

Vash: I didn't exactly LET them look, but it wasn't like I could stop them… Those Inquisition guys are really mean.

__

Wolfwood smacks his forehead and turns on Vash, preparing to kill the blonde himself. Unfortunately the other prisoners had the same idea and attacked at that very moment. Wolfwood and Vash are pinned to the ground as the other prisoners rifle through their pockets. In the corner a man, holding a saxophone, awakens from a nap and turns his attention to the two new persons.

****

Midvalley the Governor: Shut up, all of you! Jeez… Noise, fights… Kill each other if you must, but for God's sake, do it quietly! _(to Wolfwood)_ Who are you?  
**Wolfwood:** Wolfwood! Don Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes!  
**MHGov:** _(mockingly)_ Ooh… a gentleman!

__

The other prisoners let Wolfwood and Vash get to their feet.

****

Vash: *blink* Wolfwood? A gentleman…? _(suppresses laughter. Wolfwood glares at him.)  
_**Wolfwood:** Quiet you. _(to Midvalley)_ Being a gentleman never stopped me from going to bed hungry.  
**MHGov:** _(points to Vash)_ And that?  
**Vash:** Who are you calling a "that"!?!  
**Wolfwood:** My servant, Vash.  
**Vash:** SERVANT!?!?  
**Wolfwood:** _(pulling Vash aside)_ If you want to get out alive, shut up, smile and nod your head, 'kay?

__

Vash grumblingly agrees. Wolfwood turns back to Midvalley.

****

Wolfwood: And your name…?  
**MHGov:** Midvalley the Hornfreak, but around here, they call me The Governor. So what are you in for? Pickpocket? Highwayman?  
**Vash:** Poetry.

__

Wolfwood glares at Vash and blushes a little. Midvalley leans forward with an eyebrow raised.

****

MHGov: …Poetry?  
**Wolfwood:** Uh… well… I'm a poet… and a priest…  
**Knives the Duke:** _(Comes out of the shadows, eyeing Vash.)_ They're putting men in prison for that now, then?  
**MHGov:** You know it's bad when they start throwing priests in jail…  
**Wolfwood:** *sweatdrop* No, not for that…  
**Vash:** What? You mean we're not in jail for that poem you wrote? Then what are we in jail for?  
**Wolfwood:** Oh, shut up Vash.

__

Midvalley and Knives look at each other and smile.

****

MHGov: Well then, we'd better get on with the trial!  
**Vash:** What trial?  
**MHGov:** Yours.  
**Wolfwood:** But what have we done?  
**MHGov:** Does it matter? No one enters this prison without being tried by his fellow prisoners.  
**Wolfwood:** And if we're found guilty?  
**MHGov:** Oh, you will be.  
**Wolfwood:** What will our sentence be?  
**MHGov:** We normally fine a fellow prisoner all of his belongings.  
**Vash:** _All_ of them?  
**MKDuke:** All.

__

Wolfwood's eyes widen and he glances at his cross.

****

MHGov: Well, there's no point in trying to take more…  
**Wolfwood:** But! Those things are our livelihood!  
**MHGov:** I thought you said you were a Priest and a Poet?  
**Wolfwood:** A Poet of the Theatre, and… well… we won't go into the details of the priesthood…

__

Midvalley eyes him suspiciously and walks to the trunk and the cross. He ignores the cross and opens the trunk. He pulls a sword from its depths.

****

MHGov: You lie!  
**Wolfwood:** They're costumes and props. I'm an actor, and a playwright. So these things could not be of any use… to… 

__

Wolfwood's words fade suddenly and he makes a grab for the sword. Midvalley dodges him however and tosses the sword to someone else. A huge mess ensues, involving all of the costumes and props being thrown about by the prisoners. Wolfwood and Vash run around desperately trying to retrieve them, but finally give up, realising the futility.

****

Wolfwood: Fine, take them all.  
**Vash:** Wolfwood!  
**Wolfwood:** Oh, let them have them. Just… don't take the cross… not that any of you could lift it anyway, and… this…

__

Wolfwood clutches the journal in his hands. Knives, of course, takes the journal from Wolfwood and tosses it to Midvalley.

****

MHGov: It's heavy… Is it valuable?  
**Wolfwood:** Only to me.  
**MHGov:** We could ransom it to you…  
**Wolfwood:** I have no money.

__

Midvalley opens the journal and flips through it quickly.

****

MHGov: It's nothing but paper!  
**Vash:** It's a manuscript!  
**MHGov:** Still worthless!

__

Midvalley walks to the fire, and holds out the journal, intending to throw it in. Wolfwood takes a step forward.

****

Wolfwood: Wait! You said I could have a trial!  
**MHGov:** _(Irritatedly) _Oh… alright.

__

Vash and Wolfwood are pushed into a quickly improvised dock and the "court" arranges itself, with Midvalley at the head.

****

MHGov: I now declare this court in session! Alright, what are you in for?  
**Wolfwood:** …We are to appear before the Inquisition…

__

There are some gasps heard in the crowd a few people cross themselves.

****

MHGov: Heresy?  
**Wolfwood:** Not exactly… I had been employed by the government as a tax-collector…  
**MHGov:** Poet, actor, priest, and _tax-collector_?  
**Wolfwood:** Something temporary to keep us from starving…  
**MHGov:** And how does a tax-collector get in trouble with the Inquisition?  
**Vash:** _(murmurs)_ By trying to seduce the daughter of- OW!

__

Wolfwood kicks Vash roughly and grins as he clamps his hand over Vash's mouth. Midvalley raises an eyebrow at this display.

****

Wolfwood: I made an assessment against the Monastery of La Merced. When they wouldn't pay, I issued a lien on the property.  
**MHGov:** What?  
**Vash:** He foreclosed on a church…  
**MHGov:** Then why are _you_ here?  
**Vash:** …Someone had to deliver the papers…

__

Midvalley stares incredulously at the two men and puts a hand to his head.

****

MHGov: These two have cobwebs in their heads!  
**Wolfwood:** The law says to treat everyone equally! We were only following the law!

__

Knives took a step forward and grinned at the two men on trial.

****

MKDuke: Governor, if you don't mind, I would like to prosecute this case.  
**MHGov:** Why you?  
**MKDuke:** Let's say that I dislike stupidity. Especially when it pretends to be virtue. Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes! I charge you with being an idealist, a bad poet, and an honest man. How plead you?  
**Wolfwood:** Guilty.  
**Vash:** Since when are you an honest man?  
**Wolfwood:** Kiss my ass, Vash.  
**MHGov:** Bravo! That was a short trial!

__

Midvalley walks toward the fire again with the journal.

****

Wolfwood: What about my defence!?  
**MHGov:** But you just pleaded guilty…  
**Wolfwood:** _(Smiling)_ Had I said "innocent" you surely would have found me guilty. Since I have admitted guilt, the court must hear me out.  
**MHGov:** And why, pray tell, _must_ they do that?  
**Wolfwood:** The jury may choose to be lenient.  
**MHGov:** _(chuckling)_ Clever…  
**MKDuke:** He's trying to buy time!  
**Wolfwood:** _(sarcastically)_ And I'm sure you have so many important appointments to attend.

__

Knives grinds his teeth and glares at Wolfwood as the crowd around him laughs. Midvalley gestures to Wolfwood to continue.

****

Wolfwood: It is true that I am guilty of these charges. An idealist? Well, I have never had the courage to believe in nothing… A bad poet? That I must acquiesce to, no matter how painful it may be to admit. And an honest man…

__

Vash coughs and stares wistfully at the ceiling. Wolfwood ignores him.

****

MHGov: Have you finished yet?  
**Wolfwood:** No! I have scarcely begun! With your permission, I should like to continue my defence in the manner of a charade…  
**MHGov:** A charade?  
**Wolfwood:** A play… an entertainment if you will…  
**MHGov:** _(Intrigued)_ Entertainment!  
**Wolfwood:** Yes. At worse, it shall take up some of your time that this man finds to be so precious… _(Indicates Knives)_ Since my cast of characters is large, I shall ask all here to assist me in playing the roles-  
**MKDuke:** Governor! I protest!  
**MHGov:** Oh, be quiet Duke!  
**Wolfwood:** Then, with your permission, may I set the stage?

__

Midvalley nods his assent. Vash and Wolfwood scurry around the room, gathering costumes and props. Vash then sits centre stage as Wolfwood begins to add makeup to Vash's face as he speaks.

****

Wolfwood: Vash here, shall impersonate a man… His name is Vash the Stampede… A country man, not as young as he used to be. Being a retired man, he has much time for books. He studies them night and day. All that he reads fills him with indignation at the way man treats each other. He broods… and broods… and broods some more… and finally his brain dries up from so much brooding! He lays down the melancholy burden of sanity and conceives the strangest project ever… to become a knight-errant and sally forth into the world to right all wrongs. No longer shall he be plain Vash the Stampede… but a dauntless knight known as Don Quixote de La Mancha!!

__

Wolfwood takes a step back from Vash and smiles as the prisoners giggle at Vash's transformation into Don Quixote. Vash opens his mouth and sings, to Wolfwood's surprise.

****

DQVash: Hear me now, oh thou bleak and unbearable world!  
Thou art base and debauched as can be;  
And a knight with his banners all bravely unfurled.  
Now hurls down his gauntlet to thee!  
I am I, Don Quixote,  
The Lord of La Mancha,  
My destiny calls and I go;  
And the wild winds of fortune will carry me onward,  
Oh whithersoever they blow.  
Whithersoever they blow,  
Onward to glory I go!

__

Wolfwood glances around and notices that the prisoners seem to be enjoying the song. He shrugs and begins to sing as well.

****

SanchoWW: I'm Wolfwood! Yes, I'm Wolfwood!  
I'll follow the loony till the end.  
I'll tell all the world shamefully  
I'm his squire! I'm his friend!

****

DQVash: Hear me, heathens and wizards and serpents of sin!  
All your dastardly doings are past;  
For a holy endeavour is now to begin,  
And virtue shall triumph at last!

__

Wolfwood takes a deep breath and closes his eyes in embarrassment as Vash throws an arm around his shoulder.

****

DQVash/(SanchoWW): I am I, Don Quixote, (I'm Wolfwood! Yes, I'm Wolfwood!)  
The Lord of La Mancha, (I'll follow the loony till the end.)  
My destiny calls and I go; (I'll tell all the world shamefully)  
And the wild winds of fortune will carry me onward (I'm his squire!)  
Oh, whithersoever they blow! (I'm his friend!)  
Whithersoever they blow, (Whithersoever they blow,)  
Onward to glory we go! (Onward to glory we go!)

__

Wolfwood opens his eyes uncertainly and finds that the whole room is their captive audience. He sighs in relief and pantomimes leading "horses" to a well to drink. Vash stretches.

****

DQVash: Well, Sancho-how dost thou like adventuring?  
**SanchoWW:** *coughs* Wolfwood *coughs*…It's marvellous, Your Grace… But it's peculiar… This great highway to glory looks exactly like the road to El Toboso where you can buy chickens cheaply.  
**DQVash:** Like beauty my dear _Sancho_, 'tis all in the eye of the beholder. Only wait and thou shalt see amazing sights.

__

Wolfwood glares at Vash as he emphasises "Sancho"

****

SanchoWW: Oh? Like what?  
**DQVash:** There will be knights and nations, warlocks, wizards… a cavalcade of vast, unending armies!  
**SanchoWW:** _(Uncertain)_ They sound dangerous.  
**DQVash:** Of course they do, that's because they are! But the one who leads them… He will be the most dangerous of all…  
**SanchoWW:** Who?  
**DQVash:** The Great Enchanter. Beware him, Sancho…  
**SanchoWW:** Wolfwood.  
**DQVash:** _(Ignores him)_ His thoughts are cold and his spirit shrivelled. He has eyes like little machines, and where he walks the earth is blighted. One day I shall meet him face to face… and on that day! _(Vash shakes the prop being used for a lance ferociously.)  
_**SanchoWW:** Well, I wouldn't get upset, Your Grace. As I always say, have patience and shuffle the cards.  
**DQVash:** Do you never run out of proverbs?  
**SanchoWW:** _(grins)_ No, Your Grace. I was born with a bellyful of them. I always say-  
**DQVash:** Ah ha!  
**SanchoWW:** What is it?  
**DQVash:** How long has it been since we sallied forth?  
**SanchoWW:** _(glances at his watch)_ About two minutes?  
**Vash:**_ (Falling out of character)_ Wait a sec… How do you have a watch? It's the 16th century!  
**Wolfwood:** You're interrupting the flow of the story.  
**Vash:** Oh yeah, sorry… _(Coughs and falls back into character)  
_**DQVash:** So soon I shall engage in brave, unequal combat!  
**SanchoWW:** Combat? Where?  
**DQVash:** _(points into the distance)_ Can'st not see? A monstrous giant of infamous repute!  
**SanchoWW:** _(Puts a hand over his eyes, as if to shield them from the sun)_ What giant?  
**DQVash:** It is that dark and dreaded ogre by the name of Matagoger! You can tell him by the four great arms awhirling on his back!  
**SanchoWW:** _(raises an eyebrow dubiously)_ It's a windmill.  
**DQVash:** _(shouting as he charges toward the "giant") _Ho! Feckless giant standing there! Avast! Avaunt! On guard! Beware!  
**MHGov:** _(whispering to a man next to him) _What's "avaunt" mean?

__

The man shrugs and they return their attention to the play. Wolfwood stares off in the direction that Vash has run and cringes as crashes are heard and props come flying back toward him. Wolfwood ducks as Vash's helmet goes flying over his head.

****

SanchoWW: No, no, Your Grace, I swear by my wife's little black moustache… *cough* Uh… I mean… I swear by… no, not that either… I promise you that it's not a giant! It's only a-

__

Wolfwood cringes again as more props fly over his head. After a moment, Vash comes crawling back into view, his sword a corkscrew and his armour full of dents. Wolfwood crouches in front of Vash and shakes his head.

****

SanchoWW: Didn't I tell you it was a windmill?  
**DQVash:** The work of my enemy…  
**SanchoWW:** The Enchanter?  
**DQVash:** He changed the giant into a windmill at the last moment. He will take any advantage in order to- Wait! Sancho!  
**SanchoWW:** Wolfwood.  
**DQVash:** _(Ignores him)_ It comes to me!  
**SanchoWW:** _(Sighs)_ What is that Your Grace?  
**DQVash:** _(Sits up)_ How he was able to upset me. It is because I have never been properly dubbed a knight!  
**SanchoWW:** That's no problem. Just tell me how it's done and I'll be glad to take care of this clubbing.  
**DQVash:** Dubbing. Thank you my friend, but it may only be done by another knight.  
**SanchoWW:** _(Curses silently under his breath. He really wanted to club Vash.)_ That's a problem. I've never seen another knight.  
**DQVash:** The lord of some castle would do. Or a king or a duke.  
**SanchoWW:** _(Helps Vash to his feet)_ Very well. I'll keep an eye out for any kings or dukes as we go.  
**DQVash:** _(Stares into the distance) _Ahh!  
**SanchoWW:** _(Fearfully) _Now what?  
**DQVash:** The very place!  
**SanchoWW:** …Where?  
**DQVash:** There!  
**SanchoWW:** _(Looks at Vash as if he's lost a screw) _If Your Grace would give me a direction?  
**DQVash:** There, in the distance. A castle!  
**SanchoWW:** _(Looks around vainly) _Castle…  
**DQVash:** Rockabound amidst the crags!  
**SanchoWW:** …Crags.  
**DQVash:** And the banners! The brave banners flaunting in the wind!  
**SanchoWW:** And pray tell, what do these banners look like?  
**DQVash:** _(Shields his eyes) _I see a cat crouching on a field tawny… and beneath it the inscription "Miau"!  
**SanchoWW:** _(Nods his head, humouring the second man) _Oh, alright… Maybe this is where Your Grace might be rubbed.  
**DQVash:** Dubbed. Blow thy bugle that a dwarf may mount the battlements and announce our coming!  
**SanchoWW:** What bugle?  
**DQVash:** Come! We will go to the castle!  
**SanchoWW:** …But I don't see a castle. I do see something, it looks like an inn.  
**DQVash:** _(Shakes his head) _An inn…  
**SanchoWW:** We'd better pass it by, Your Grace. Those places are full of rough men and women…  
**DQVash:** Come. We shall ride straight to the drawbridge of yon castle, and there thy vision may improve!


	2. Act II

**__**

Man of La Mancha - Trigun style  
Act II

Cast-

Don Quixote - Vash the Stampede (DQVash)  
**Vash the manservant** - Vash the Stampede (Vash)  
**Wolfwood/Sancho the manservant** - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (SanchoWW)  
**Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes** - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Wolfwood)  
**Captain of the Inquisition** - Chapel the Evergreen (Chapel)  
**Meryl the Whore/Dulcinea** - Meryl Stryfe (Meryl)  
**Midvalley the Innkeeper/The Governor **- Midvalley the Hornfreak (Midvalley/MHGov)  
**Dr. Knives/The Duke** - Millions Knives (Knives/MKDuke)  
**Padre Legato** - Legato Bluesummers (Legato)  
**Dominique the Niece** - Dominique the Cyclops (Dominique)  
**The Housekeeper** - Milly Thompson (Milly)  
**Rai-Dei the Barber** - Rai-Dei the Blade (Rai-Dei)  
**Monev, Head Muleteer** - Monev the Gale (Monev)  
**Leonef, Muleteer** - Leonef the Puppeteer (Leonef)  
**Zazie, Muleteer** - Zazie the Beast (Zazie)  
**Caine, Muleteer** - Caine the Longshot (Caine)  
**E.G. Mine, Muleteer** - E.G. Mine (EGMine)  
**Maria, the Innkeeper's Wife** - Random Female Prisoner. (Maria)

****

Songs-

"It's All the Same" - Meryl the Whore and Muleteers  
"Dulcinea" - Don Quixote  
"I'm Only Thinking of Him" - Padre Legato, Dominique the Niece, Dr. Millions Knives, and Milly the Housekeeper  
*  
Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun. I do not own "Man of La Mancha" which the script to, and the songs of, belong to Dale Wasserman and Joe Darion. The story of Don Quixote belongs to Miguel de Cervantes. I'm not making money off this, and I'm a broke college student anyway so there's no point in sueing me.

**********

The scene opens again upon the stage, Wolfwood having chosen his actors and set them about the stage. Wolfwood takes centre stage.

****

Wolfwood: Here is an example of how, to the untrained eye, one thing may seem to be another. To Wolfwood, and inn.  
**Vash:** Sancho.  
**Wolfwood:** _(Ignores him) _To Quixote, a castle. To someone else, whatever his mind may make of it. But for the sake of argument, let us grant Wolfwood _his_ vision.  
**Vash:** Sancho.  
**Wolfwood:** Shut up. *cough* An inn… _(He gestures to Midvalley and to a female prisoner, whom we shall call Maria) _A kindly innkeeper… his less kindly wife… _(He gestures to the other prisoners he has chosen) _Rough men, muleteers, fifteen miles on the road today. Rough women, in particular a woman called, Meryl!  
**Muleteers:** _(chanting) _Meryl, Meryl, Meryl!  
_A pan goes flying above the men's heads and Meryl enters, a woman of small stature, with dark hair and blue eyes. She is carrying a pot of stew._

****

Meryl the Whore: Do you want it on the table, or over your lousy heads!?

__

The Muleteers laugh as she drops the pot onto the table and spits into it.

****

Meryl: There, pigs. Feed!

__

She begins to distribute bottles of wine.

****

EGMine: _(to Meryl) _I brought you something…  
**Meryl:** Keep it till it grows up. _(Zazie whimpers in her ear) _Little dogs have big ideas!  
**Caine:** Tonight?  
**Meryl:** Payment in advance?

__

Caine gets onto his knees and opens his mouth, wanting her to pour the wine into his mouth. She pours it onto his head instead. The other Muleteers laugh.

****

Monev: Meryl! Love, come here.  
**Meryl:** Talk with your mouth, not with your hands!  
**Monev:** _(Pulls her close. Softly) _I've got a nice warm bed of hay in the stable…  
**Meryl:** _(Just as softly)_ Good. Eat it.  
**Monev:** You would refuse Monev?  
**Meryl:** Try me.

__

Meryl walks away from him, Monev snaps his whip at her.

****

Monev: My mules aren't as stubborn!  
**Meryl:** Fine! Make love to your mules then!

__

The Muleteers laugh and to Wolfwood's chagrin, sing.

****

Muleteers: I come for love,  
I come for love,  
I come to Meryl for love!

****

Meryl: _(Scornfully) _Love! _(sings)  
_One pair of arms is like another,  
I don't know why or who's to blame,  
I'll go with you or with your brother,  
It's all the same, it's all the same!  
This I have learned: that when the light's out,  
No man will burn with special flame,  
You'll prove to me, before the night's out,  
You're all the same, you're all the same!  
So do not talk to me of love,  
I'm not a fool with starry eyes,  
Just put money in my hand,  
And you'll get what money buys!  
One pair of arms is like another,  
I don't know why or who's to blame,  
I'll go with you or with your brother,  
It's all the same, it's all the same!

__

The Muleteers reach for her as she moves around them, pouring wine and taking dishes, but she pushes them all away roughly.

Oh, I have seen too many beds,  
But I have known too little rest,  
And I have loved too many men  
With hatred burning in my breast.  
I do not like you or your brother,  
I do no like the life I live,  
But I am me, I am Meryl,  
And what I give I choose to give!

__

Monev offers money to Meryl, who throws it on the floor and spits on it. He follows her as she backs away from him, and presses the money into her hands.

One pair of arms… is like another  
It's all the same, it's all the same!

****

Leonef: _(Laughs as Meryl leaves) _Payment before delivery?  
**Caine:** She won't deliver.  
**Monev:** She'll deliver!

__

Midvalley the Innkeeper enters with his "wife" Maria and another serving girl, Fermina. He surveys the interior of his inn, which is somewhat worse for wear and tear after the violence of Meryl's appearance. Maria and Fermina begin to clean up.

****

Midvalley: Everything alright gentlemen?  
**Leonef:** Did you feed the mules?  
**Midvalley:** They're eating as well as you.  
**Monev:** What?  
**Midvalley:** Just a bad joke. It's well known that I set the finest table between Madrid and Malaga. My patrons have always-

__

He is interrupted by the sound of a very badly blown bugle.

****

Monev: What the hell?

__

The bugle sounds again.

****

Midvalley: The pig-butcher! I didn't expect him until tomorrow. _(Hurries toward the door) _Coming Señor Butcher, coming!

__

Midvalley stops short as he sees Vash and Wolfwood enter. Vash has replaced his broken lance with a tree branch.

****

DQVash: _(Irritated) _Is the lord of the castle at hand? _(There is no reply) _I say, is the Castellano here?  
**Midvalley:** …I am in charge of this place…  
**DQVash:** _(Coldly) _We waited, sire, for a dwarf to mount the battlements and announce us, but none appeared.  
**Midvalley:** _(Flabbergasted) _The… the dwarves are all busy…

__

Vash gestures to Wolfwood who steps forward and rolls his eyes. He has a prepared speech which he delivers in a monotone voice.

****

SanchoWW: Noble lords and ladies my master Don Quixote knight errant and defender of the right and pursuer of lofty undertakings implores the boon of hospitality.

__

Midvalley looks opened-mouth at the "knight" and swallows, unsure of how to respond.

****

DQVash: Well, sire? Is it granted?  
**Midvalley:** Uh, ah… Yes! Absolutely! This inn… I mean castle… is open to everyone.  
**Maria:** _(whispers to her husband) _A madman!  
**Midvalley:** _(Whispers back) _Madmen are the children of God. _(To Vash) _Sir Knight, you must be hungry?  
**DQVash:** Aye, I am.  
**SanchoWW:** Which, a madman, a child of God, or hungry?  
**DQVash:** Shut up Sancho.  
**SanchoWW:** _(Grins) _Wolfwood.  
**Midvalley:** There's food aplenty, and for your squire, too. I'll just help him stable your animals.

__

Wolfwood and Midvalley leave the stage. Vash steps toward the Muleteers, smiling.

****

DQVash: Gentle knights! Fair chatelaine! If there be any among you that require assistance, you have but to speak and my good _(glances at his mechanical left arm) _right… arm… is at your service. Whether it be a princess held for ransom, an army besieged and awaiting rescue or merely…

__

Vash's words trail off suddenly as Meryl enters again, carrying more wine and food. She becomes self-conscious as the room has suddenly quieted with her arrival. Meryl glances around, her gaze finally falling upon Vash, who turns his eyes from her, as if blinded by beauty.

****

DQVash: _(Jumping backward)_ Dear God! What is that thing!

__

Wolfwood pokes his head onstage and throws a prop at Vash, hitting him in the back of the head. Vash smiles sheepishly and coughs. Wolfwood only makes a slicing motion across his throat and then disappears again.

****

DQVash: I mean… Dear God… it is she! _(He takes a step forward, hesitantly)_ Sweet lady… fair… uh… virgin… _(There are sniggers in the crowd) _I dare not gaze full upon they countenance lest I be blinded……… by beauty! *coughs* But I implore thee, speak once thy name.  
**Meryl:** _(Growls) _Meryl.  
**DQVash:** My lady jests.  
**Meryl:** It's Meryl!  
**DQVash:** The name of a kitchen-scullion! Or mayhap, my lady's serving-maid?  
**Meryl:** I told you my name! Now get out of the way, or I'll…

__

Meryl raises her hand as if to strike Vash, but doesn't. Instead she snorts in frustration and goes back to her duties. Vash follows her.

****

DQVash: Did my lady think to test me? Ah, sweet sovereign of my captive heart, I shall not fail thee, for I _know_…

__

Vash stops for a second and pulls a script out of his back pocket.

****

Vash: Wait a sec… _(He flips through the script some and stops on a certain page)_ Oh no… it didn't say anything about this in my contract! I'm NOT singing to… that!

__

Vash points to Meryl. Wolfwood walks onstage and smacks Vash on the back of the head.

****

Wolfwood: Do it.  
**Vash:** No! I won't!  
**Wolfwood:** If you don't, we're going to lose the manuscript. I'll make sure you die if we do.  
**Vash:** _(mumbles) _Fine.

__

Vash looks disgustedly at Meryl and closes his eyes. Then he starts singing.

****

DQVash: I have dreamed thee too long,  
Never seen thee or touched thee, but known thee with all of my heart,  
Half a prayer, half a song,  
Thou hast always been with me, though we have been always apart.  
Dulcinea… Dulcinea…  
I see hell-

__

Wolfwood makes slitting motion again.

****

DQVash: _(his voice cracks) _-Heaven when I see thee, Dulcinea,  
And they name is like a prayer an angel whispers…  
Dulcinea… Dulcinea!  
If I reach out to thee,  
Ple- Uh… Do not tremble and shrink from the touch of my hand on thy hair.

__

Vash grits his teeth and tries to touch her, but his hand shrinks back in fear.

****

DQVash: Let my fingers but see  
Thou are warm and alive, and no phantom to fade in the air.  
Dulcinea… Dulcinea…  
I have sought thee, sung thee, dreamed thee, Dulcinea!  
Now I've found thee, and the world shall know thy glory.  
Dulcinea… Dulcinea!

__

Vash finishes his song, and is relieved when Midvalley enters.

****

Midvalley: Come along, Señor Knight. I'll show you to your room…

__

Midvalley makes to pull Vash offstage, but instead, Vash runs off on his own accord. Midvalley stares after him for a second, then shrugs and follows him. Maria turns to Meryl mockingly as soon as Midvalley and Vash are gone.

****

Maria: Ay, Dulcinea!

__

The Muleteers begin to sing, parodying Vash.

****

Muleteers: Dulcinea… Dulcinea…  
I see Heaven when I see thee, Dulcinea!

****

Leonef: And thy name is like a prayer, an angel whispers…  
Dulcinea… Dulcinea…

****

Muleteers: Dulcinea… Dulcinea…  
I have sought thee, sung thee, dreamed thee, Dulcinea!  
Now I've found thee, and the world shall know they glory,  
Dulcinea… Dulcinea!

__

Meryl chases them around the stage angrily as they sing to her. She slides to a stop in front of Knives and blushes sheepishly, backing away from him. He stands in the centre of the ruckus, looking rather peevish.

****

MKDuke: _(shouting) _Governor! If you don't mind- this man proposed to offer a defence, not a debacle!  
**Wolfwood:** This _is_ my defence.  
**MKDuke:** _(Narrows his eyes)_ The most curious defence I've ever heard…  
**Wolfwood:** So? It's entertaining.  
**MKDuke:** I think the word you're looking for is "diverting". I think _your_ purpose is to "divert" us from _ours.  
_**Wolfwood:** _(Grinning impishly)_ Of course! Now if I may continue?  
**MHGov:** Yes! Continue!

__

Wolfwood moves Knives out of the centre position, smiling. Knives glares at him and crosses his arms irritatedly. Wolfwood only grins wider and pulls three people out of the crowd.

****

Wolfwood: Imagine the family of our dear knight. Not the lords and ladies and retainers of Don Quixote de la Mancha, but the simple womenfolk of a country squire known as Vash the Stampede. _(He picks a few costumes from the trunk and hands them to the new actors) _Imagine their shock as the news of his madness reaches them! To his niece, Dominique, who is worried about its effect on her forthcoming marriage. To his housekeeper of many years, Milly, who is worried about even darker matters. To the local Padre who has known Vash all his life. _(To Knives, while tossing a costume at him)_ And shortly there will be a character whose philosophy may appeal, even to you! The two ladies rush to the nearby church. Anguished by the situation, and fearing what the neighbours are thinking, they seek help and advice from the Padre.

__

Wolfwood pulls Legato the Padre forward. Legato is a tall, handsome man, with piercing golden eyes and short, shaggy hair of a bluish colour. He's rather quiet, and seems to like the Duke a lot. Dominique is a pretty, young woman, with long, purplish hair, and a patch over one eye. She stares at Legato longingly, seemingly fangirlish. Milly the Housekeeper is a bit different. A very tall girl, with wide, innocent blue eyes, she smiles amiably at Wolfwood. He blinks, a bit surprised, but continues his speech.

****

Wolfwood: Despite the trouble that may be caused to them due to Vash's madness, you can be assured that they are only thinking of him…

__

Wolfwood snaps his fingers and the three new actors immediately begin to sing.

****

Dominique: I'm only thinking of him,  
I'm only thinking of him,  
Whatever I may do or say,  
I'm only thinking of him!  
In my body, it's well known,  
There is not one selfish bone-  
I'm only thinking and worrying about him!  
I've been told he's chasing dragons and I fear it may be true.  
If my groom should hear about it, heaven knows what he will do!  
Oh, I dearly love my uncle but for what he's done to me  
I would like to take and lock him up and throw away the key!  
But if I do…  
But if I do…  
There is one thing that I swear will still be true…

****

Dominique/Milly/(Legato): I'm only thinking of him; (I know, I know, my dear,)  
I'm only thinking of him; (Of course you are, my dear;)  
I'm only thinking and worrying about him. (I understand.)

****

Milly: Oh, I think he's been too lonely, living years without a spouse,  
So when he returns I fear I may have trouble in the house;  
For they say he seeks a lady, who his own true love shall be;  
God forbid that in his madness he should ever think it's me!

__

Legato raises an eyebrow at Milly but says nothing. Milly only blushes and glances at Wolfwood.

If he should try  
I'll surely die,  
And I will grimly guard my honour as I cry-

****

Milly/(Legato)/*Dominique*: I'm only thinking of him; (I know, I know, my dear;) *Woe, woe, woe*  
I'm only thinking of him; (Of course you are, my dear;) *Woe, woe, woe*  
I'm only worrying about him. (I understand) *Woe, woe, woe*

****

Milly: Woe!

__

Legato winces and turns to Dominique.

****

Dominique: Woe!

__

He winces again and moves back from both. He falls to his knees, looking as if he's going to pray.

****

Legato/(Milly/Dominique): They're only thinking of him, (Woe, woe, woe)  
They're only thinking of him, (Woe, woe, woe)  
How saintly is their plaintive plea- (Woe, woe, woe)  
They're only thinking of him! (Woe, woe, woe)  
What a comfort, to be sure (Woe, woe, woe)  
That their motives are so pure- (Woe, woe, woe)  
As they go thinking and worrying about him! (Woe, woe, woe)

__

Wolfwood pushes Knives onto the stage, who is now dressed as a scholar.

****

Wolfwood: And now enters a man of breeding, intelligence and logic. He is Dominique's fiancé, Doctor Millions Knives! *coughs* A man who carries his own self-importance as though afraid to break it.

__

Wolfwood sits back, letting the new character get his bearings. Legato stands up, with stars in his eyes, he runs to Knives with an inane grin on his face. Dominique grabs ahold of Legato's legs and lets herself be drug across the stage to Knives. Milly only stands to the side and smiles at Wolfwood, who moves away from her nervously.

****

Dominique: I don't wanna marry Knives! I want to marry Legato!  
**Legato:** Leave me be woman! _(To Knives) _Is there anything I can get you master? _(sparkles)  
_**Knives:** Oi vey.  
**Wolfwood:** _(Puts a hand to his head) _I had forgotten that family quarrels have a way of getting out of hand… With so much at stake in the game, let us rearrange the pieces! _(Moving Dominique to one corner of the stage)_ The queen, cunning! _(He moves Legato to the opposite corner) _The bishop, charmingly… diagonal… *coughs* _(He moves Milly to a third corner, opposite of Knives) _The castle, formidable! _(Finally, he moves Vash to centre stage)_ And now, the problem of the knight!  
**Dominique:** Knives!  
**Legato:** Have you heard?  
**Knives:** On my way here, I was informed by no less than ten people. My dear, your uncle is the laughingstock of the entire neighbourhood. Padre? What do you know of this?  
**Legato:** _(resisting the urge to sparkle) _Only that the good Señor Vash has been carried away by his imagination.  
**Knives:** Señor Vash has lost his mind and is suffering from delusions.  
**Vash:** _(from centre stage) _Hey! Wait a sec! Knives is the delusional one here, not me!  
**Wolfwood:** Quiet, Vash. _(To the actors) _Pray, continue…   
**Legato:** Is there a difference?  
**Knives:** Exactitude of meaning. I remind you that I am a doctor.  
**Dominique:** Stop arguing! We must do something about him!  
**Knives:** _(Raises an eyebrow) _I'm a little more concerned about _us.  
_**Dominique:** What do you mean, us?  
**Legato:** _(Jealously)_ Yeah! What do you mean… you?!  
**Knives:** _(Ignoring Legato)_ Our marriage, my dear. There is a certain embarrassment at having a madman in the family. In the eyes of others-  
**Legato:** _(His face falling)_ Oh, come now Doctor…  
**Knives:** I do not look forward to claiming a lunatic as an uncle!  
**Milly:** The innocent will pay for the sins of the guilty.  
**Legato:** Guilty of what? A gentle delusion!  
**Knives:** How do you know it is gentle? By this time who knows what violence he has committed! He was armed?  
**Milly:** With sword and lance.  
**Dominique:** Knives. I had hoped for so much for Legato and me… I mean us… For _you,_ really._ (smiles nervously)_ Everything was to be for you. My uncle's house… his lands…  
**Legato:** _(slyly)_ True, Doctor. In time they would all be yours. After all, if one is to serve science, one must have means…  
**Knives:** _(Eyes Legato suspiciously)_ Are you a priest or a pawnbroker?  
**Legato:** What I mean is, consider the challenge…  
**Knives:** Challenge?  
**Legato:** Think what cleverness it would take to wean him from his madness. To turn him from his course and persuade him to come home.  
**Knives:** _(Scratches his chin)_ Hmm… That _is_ a challenge…  
**Legato:** Impossible.  
**Knives:** He can't have gotten far?  
**Legato:** No more than a day's journey.  
**Knives:** Get ready Padre, we shall go after him!

__

All falls quiet and Knives suddenly feels the urge to sing. Everyone stares wide-eyed as he begins.

****

Knives: But as we go…  
But as we go…  
There is one thing that I want the world to know!

****

Legato: I feel, with pain,  
That once again,  
We now will hear a very often repeated refrain…

****

Knives/(Legato): I'm only thinking of him (He's only thinking of him)

****

Dominique/Milly/(Legato): You're only thinking of him (He's only thinking of him, just him)

****

Dominique/Knives/Milly: Whatever we may do or say,  
We're only thinking of him.  
In our bodies it's well known  
There is not one selfish bone…

****

Dominique/Knives/Milly/(Legato): We're only thinking and worrying about him! (They're only thinking and worrying about him!)


	3. Act III

**__**

Man of La Mancha - Trigun style  
Act III

Cast-

Don Quixote - Vash the Stampede (DQVash)  
**Vash the manservant** - Vash the Stampede (Vash)  
**Sancho the manservant** - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (SanchoWW)  
**Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes** - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Wolfwood)  
**Captain of the Inquisition** - Chapel the Evergreen (Chapel)  
**Meryl the Whore/Dulcinea** - Meryl Stryfe (Meryl)  
**Midvalley the Innkeeper/The Governor **- Midvalley the Hornfreak (Midvalley/MHGov)  
**Dr. Knives/The Duke** - Millions Knives (Knives/MKDuke)  
**Padre Legato** - Legato Bluesummers (Legato)  
**Dominique the Niece** - Dominique the Cyclops (Dominique)  
**The Housekeeper** - Milly Thompson (Milly)  
**Rai-Dei the Barber** - Rai-Dei the Blade (Rai-Dei)  
**Monev, Head Muleteer** - Monev the Gale (Monev)  
**Leonef, Muleteer** - Leonef the Puppeteer (Leonef)  
**Zazie, Muleteer** - Zazie the Beast (Zazie)  
**Caine, Muleteer** - Caine the Longshot (Caine)  
**E.G. Mine, Muleteer** - E.G. Mine (EGMine)  
**Maria, the Innkeeper's Wife** - Random Female Prisoner. (Maria)

****

Songs-

"I Really Like Him" - Wolfwood  
"Little Bird, Little Bird" - Leonef and Muleteers  
"Barber's Song" - Rai-Dei the Barber  
"Golden Helmet of Mambrino" - Don Quixote, Wolfwood, Rai-Dei the Barber, and Muleteers  
"To Each His Dulcinea" - Padre Legato  
*  
Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun. I do not own "Man of La Mancha" which the script to, and the songs of, belong to Dale Wasserman and Joe Darion. The story of Don Quixote belongs to Miguel de Cervantes. I'm not making money off this, and I'm a broke college student anyway so there's no point in sueing me.

AN: I get really mean with Wolfwood in this chapter. ^^;; Forgive me my handsome priest, but you're so easy to pick on! Oh, and to Dead Legato… It actually isn't as much work as it looks like. ^^;; I'm just bored and demented, that's all.

**********

Vash sits centre stage, by himself. There is a lone spotlight on him. No one else is in sight.

****

Vash: …I never wanted to do this in the first place… I wanted to be… A LUMBERJACK! 

__

Vash stands up and opens his mouth to sing. The music begins playing but is suddenly cut off and the house lights come up. Wolfwood tackles Vash and gags him quickly.

****

Wolfwood: Oh no you don't! There will be NO Monty Python references in this story!

__

Vash struggles vainly as Wolfwood sits on him and lights a new cigarette.

****

Wolfwood: Let us return to the inn… To the kitchen of the inn. As everyone knows, it is imperative that each knight shall have a lady. _(He glances briefly in the direction of Milly)_ For a knight without a lady is like a body without a soul. To whom would he dedicate his conquests? What vision sustain him when he sallies-forth to do battle with ogres and with giants? _(Wolfwood gets off Vash, who quickly un-gags himself and is about to spout obscenities, but Wolfwood interrupts him)_ Don Quixote, having discovered his lady, sends his faithful friend Wolfwood-  
**Vash:** _(sourly) _Sancho.  
**Wolfwood:** -to her with a missive.

__

Meryl is sitting at a table, eating. Wolfwood kicks Vash who crawls painfully off stage as Wolfwood takes a seat next to her.

****

Meryl: A missive? What's a missive?  
**SanchoWW:** A letter. He told me to give it straight into your hand.  
**Meryl:** Let's see it. _(She takes the paper from Wolfwood and inspects it) _I can't read…  
**SanchoWW:** My master thought as much, so I shall read it to you.  
**Meryl:** _(Angrily)_ What made him think that I couldn't read?  
**SanchoWW:** _(Clears his throat diplomatically)_ Well, he said that noblewomen are so busy with their needlework-  
**Meryl:** Needlework!?  
**SanchoWW:** Embroidering banners for their knights. He said they had no time for study.  
**Meryl:** What does it say?

__

Wolfwood unrolls the letter and reads aloud.

****

SanchoWW: "Most lovely sovereign and highborn lady… The heart of this, thy vassal knight, faints for thy favour. Oh, fairest of the fair, purest of the pure; Incomparable Dulcinea-"  
**Meryl:** There he goes again with Dulcinea! My name is MERYL.  
**SanchoWW:** _(Sighs patiently)_ His Grace calls you Dulcinea.  
**Meryl:** Why?  
**SanchoWW:** I don't know. Why does he call me Sancho? I can tell you from experience however, that knights have their own language for everything, and it's better not to ask questions because it only gets you into trouble.

__

Meryl scowls and gestures for Wolfwood to continue.

****

SanchoWW: "I beg thee grant that I may kiss the nethermost hem of thy garment-"  
**Meryl:** Kiss my _WHAT?  
_**SanchoWW:** If you keep interrupting, you'll loose the whole effect of the letter!  
**Meryl:** What does he _want_?  
**SanchoWW:** I'm getting to it! …"And send to me a token of thy fair esteem that I may carry as my standard into battle."  
**Meryl:** What kind of token?  
**SanchoWW:** Normally it's a silken scarf.  
**Meryl:** Your master is insane!  
**SanchoWW:** He's not my master, and no he's… not… okay, he is, but that's NOT the point here!  
**Meryl:** Yes it is.  
**SanchoWW:** Well, they say that one madman makes a hundred and love makes a thousand.  
**Meryl:** What's that supposed to mean?  
**SanchoWW:** I'm not sure.  
**Meryl:** You're just as crazy as he is! …What are you waiting around here for?  
**SanchoWW:** The token.  
**Meryl:** I'll give him a token! Here! _(She tosses a dishrag at him)  
_**SanchoWW:** But milady…  
**Meryl:** Don't you "milady" me too, or I'll crack you so hard, your ancestors will feel it! _(Wolfwood takes a few steps away from her) _Wait… Why do you follow him? Tell me?  
**SanchoWW:** _(Good-naturedly)_ Because without him, life is boring.  
**Meryl:** That's not a reason, that's an excuse. Come on… Why?  
**SanchoWW:** _(Searches for the words) _Well… because… Um…  
**Meryl:** Come on, _why_?

****

SanchoWW: _(Sighs in frustration and sings)_ I like him.  
I really like him.  
Tear out my fingernails one by one, I like him!  
I don't have  
A very good reason.  
Since I've been with him, cuckoonuts have been in season-  
But there's nothing I can do,  
Chop me up for onion stew,  
Still I'll yell to the sky,  
Though I can't tell you why…  
I like him!

****

Meryl: It doesn't make any sense!  
**SanchoWW:** _(Smugly) _That's because you're not a squire.  
**Meryl:** Alright, you're a squire. How does a squire, squire?  
**SanchoWW:** I ride with him, he picks fights, I save his ass… I pick him up off the ground after he loses…  
**Meryl:** What do _you_ get out of it?  
**SanchoWW:** …Interesting stories to tell my grandchildren.  
**Meryl:** That's not anything! Why do you do it!?

****

SanchoWW: _(Sings)_ I like him.  
I really like him.  
Run me over a thousand times, I like him!  
Don't ask me  
For why or wherefore,  
'Cos I don't have a single good "because" or "Therefore"  
You can barbecue my nose,  
Make a giblet of my toes,  
Make me freeze, make me fry,  
Make me sigh, make me cry,  
Still I'll yell to the sky  
Though I can't tell you why…  
That I… like… him!

****

Meryl: You're gay then?  
**SanchoWW:** _(offended) _NO!  
**Meryl:** It's alright you know, I have a cousin who's gay…  
**SanchoWW:** _(Practically shouting)_ I'M NOT GAY!

__

Meryl only shrugs. Wolfwood clenches his fists and glares at her for a second before stomping out of the kitchen. Meryl watches as Wolfwood stalks to the edge of the stage, grabs Milly's hand, and drags her off into a corner. Around Meryl, the Muleteers appear and begin to sing as she goes about her chores.

****

Muleteers: Little bird, little bird,  
In the cinnamon tree,  
Little bird, little bird,  
Do you sing for me?  
Do you bring me word  
Of one I know?  
Little bird, little bird, I love her so,  
Little bird, little bird, I have to know,  
Little bird, little bird.  
Beneath this tree, this cinnamon tree,  
We learned to love, we learned to cry;  
For here we met and here we kissed,  
And here one cold and moonless night we said goodbye.  
Little bird, little bird,  
Oh have pity on me,  
Bring her back to me now  
'Neath the cinnamon tree.  
I have waited too long  
Without a song…  
Little bird, little bird, please fly, please go,  
Little bird, little bird, and tell her so,  
Little bird, little bird!

****

Meryl: _(Annoyed)_ I spit in the milk of your "little bird"!

__

Meryl leans over to pick up a bucket to fill in the well, and drops her letter on accident. Monev spies it and makes a grab for it.

****

Monev: What's this?  
**Meryl:** _(Reaches for it) _Give it back!  
**Monev:** It's a letter!  
**Meryl:** That shows how stupid you are, it's a missive.  
**Monev:** Missive? Who can read?! 

__

Leonef holds up his hand and Monev tosses it to him. Meryl makes to go after it, but Monev holds her back.

****

Meryl: Bastards!

__

She bites Monev and he releases her. Monev growls at her but quiets as Leonef reads aloud.

****

Leonef: "Most lovely sovereign and highborn lady…!" It's from the knight! A love letter!

__

The Muleteers begin to laugh. Meryl snatches the letter away from Leonef.

****

Meryl: It's a joke!  
**Zazie:** Then why are you so hot about it?  
**Monev:** Has he touched your heart?  
**Meryl:** No one touches my heart!  
**Leonef:** All those fine words!  
**Meryl:** Fine words. He's a man right? All he wants is what every man wants.

__

She picks up the bucket again and makes her way back toward the kitchen. Monev stops her and pulls her aside.

****

Monev: Meryl, now?  
**Meryl:** …Later. When I'm through in the kitchen…

__

Legato and Knives appear on the stage and are waited upon by Maria. They pantomime that they wish to see Vash. She nods and leaves.

****

Legato: I confess that I have no idea as to what to say to him…  
**Knives:** In that case, leave it to me.  
**Legato:** He may not even know us!  
**Knives:** I am prepared for that eventuality. Should he fail to recognise us-  
**DQVash:** _(Entering amicably)_ Who is it crieth help of Don Quixote de La Mancha? Is there a castle beleaguered by giants? A king who lies under enchantment? An army besieged and awaiting rescue? _(He sees the two men and advances upon them, surprised)_ Why, what is this? My friends!  
**Knives:** You know us?  
**DQVash:** Should a man not know his friends, Dr. Millions Knives? And Padre Legato!  
**Legato:** Señor Vash-  
**DQVash:** I should prefer that you address me properly. I am Don Quixote, knight-errant of La Mancha.  
**Knives:** …Señor Vash…  
**DQVash:** Don Quixote.  
**Knives:** There are no giants. No kings under enchantment. No chivalry. No knights. There have been no knights for three hundred years.  
**DQVash:** _(Shakes his head)_ So learned, yet so misinformed.  
**Knives:** Those are _facts._  
**DQVash:** Facts are the enemy of truth.

__

Suddenly Wolfwood appears on the edge of the stage with Milly. They both look a bit ruffled and flushed. Wolfwood coughs and tries to straighten his clothing a bit. He tucks his shirt in quickly as he crosses the stage meekly.

****

SanchoWW: Your Grace…  
**DQVash:** _(Suppressing laughter) _Well? Did she receive thee? _(Wolfwood nods)_ Ah, most… fortunate _(Vash grins and winks at Wolfwood, who flushes red again)_ of squires! The token. What of the token?

__

Wolfwood reaches into his pocket and finds that the rag is no longer there. He starts searching all his pockets, to no avail. He spins in place looking on the ground around him. Milly coughs loudly and Wolfwood glances up at her. She tosses the rag at him and bats her eyelashes. Wolfwood clears his throat in embarrassment and flushes again. He turns to Vash and hands him the rag.

****

DQVash: Sheer gossamer… Forgive me, I am overcome…  
**SanchoWW:** _(To Knives and Legato, who are also trying not to laugh)_ It's from his lady.  
**Knives:** So there's a woman!  
**DQVash:** A _lady_! The lady Dulcinea. Her beauty is more than human… *cough* Her quality? P-Perfection. She is the very meaning of woman… and all meaning woman has to man.  
**SanchoWW:** _(Shrugs)_ To each his Dulcinea.

__

The sounds of someone singing is heard and another man comes into view. It is Rai-Dei the Barber. He is dressed in Japanese samurai clothing, and wearing a bronze shaving bowl on his head.

****

DQVash: Someone approaches!  
**SanchoWW:** It's just a barber.  
**DQVash:** But look what he wears on his head! Hide Sancho!  
**SanchoWW:** _(Exasperatedly)_ Wolfwood…

__

Vash conceals himself behind Legato and Wolfwood sits on the ground next to Legato, looking rather bored. Knives rolls his eyes and Legato seems self-conscious as Vash peers around him at the approaching barber.

****

Rai-Dei the Barber: Oh, I am a little barber  
And I go my merry way,  
With my razor and my leeches  
I can always earn my pay.  
Though your chin be smooth as satin,  
You will need me soon I know,  
For the Lord protects His barbers,  
And He makes the stubble grow.  
If I slip when I am shaving you  
And cut you to the quick,  
You can use me as a doctor  
'Cause I also heal the sick!

__

Vash comes out from behind Legato and pokes Rai-Dei with his sword. Rai-Dei spins around and looks at Vash, unbelieving.

****

Rai-Dei: By the beard of St. Anthony! I could swear I see before me a knight in full armour! _(chuckles)_ Ridiculous. There aren't any knights. _(Vash growls and raises his sword above his head, Rai-Dei falls to his knees in fright)_ I was wrong! Forgive me Your Grace, I thought I had seen too much sun today!  
**DQVash:** Thou wilt see much worse if thou dost not speedily hand over that Golden Helmet!  
**Rai-Dei:** Golden Helmet? What? Where? _(He takes the shaving basin off of his head)_ Why this is nothing but a shaving basin!  
**SanchoWW:** I must say, Your Grace, it does _look_ like a shaving basin.  
**Rai-Dei:** Of course! You see, I am a barber, searching for spiritual enlightenment. I ply my trade from village to village, and I was wearing this on my head to ward off the rays of the sun, so that's how Your Grace made the mistake of-  
**DQVash:** Silence! Know thou what that really is? The Golden Helmet of Mambrino! When worn by one of noble heart it renders him invulnerable to all wounds! Misbegotten knave! Where didst thou steal it?  
**Rai-Dei:** I didn't steal it!  
**DQVash:** Hand it over.  
**Rai-Dei:** It cost me half a crown!  
**DQVash:** Hand it over or I shall-!

__

Vash swings his sword at Rai-Dei who rolls out of the way, throwing the basin into the air. It hits Wolfwood on the head, causing him to fall over. Vash picks the basin up, ignoring Wolfwood and tosses his old helmet away. He holds the basin reverently.

****

DQVash: _(Singing)_ Thou Golden Helmet of Mambrino,  
With so illustrious a past,  
Too long hast thou been lost to glory,  
Th'art rediscovered at last!  
Golden Helmet of Mambrino  
There can be no  
Hat like thee!  
Thee and I, now,  
'Ere I die, now,  
Will make golden  
History!

****

Rai-Dei: _(Singing)_ I hear the cuckoo singing  
In the cuckooberry tree…

****

SanchoWW: _(Rubbing his head, Singing.)_ If he says that that's a helmet, I suggest that you agree…

****

Rai-Dei: But he'll find it is not gold and will not make him bold and brave…

****

SanchoWW: Well, at least he'll find it useful if he ever needs a shave!

__

Vash hands the basin to Legato and kneels before him, prompting Legato to "crown" him. Before Legato does so however, Vash gestures for Wolfwood to place the "token" with the "helmet". Wolfwood drops the "token" on Vash's head and cringes as Legato puts the basin on top of the rag.

****

DQVash: Thou Golden Helmet of Mambrino,  
Thy deeds the world will not forget;  
Now Don Quixote de La Mancha  
Will bring thee greater glory yet!  
Golden-

****

DQVash/(Everyone Else): -Helmet of Mambrino (-Helmet of Mambrino)  
There can be no Hat like thee (There can be no Hat like thee!)  
Thee and I, now, (Thee and he now,)  
'Ere I die now (We can see, now)  
Will make golden History! (Will make golden History!)

__

Wolfwood drags Rai-Dei off when the song ends and hands him some money. The Muleteers, Knives, and Legato all disappear. Vash is alone. Midvalley enters and sees Vash alone.

****

Midvalley: _(Surprised)_ Your friends have departed?  
**DQVash:** Sir Castellano… I would make a confession.  
**Midvalley:** To me?  
**DQVash:** I would confess that I have never actually been dubbed a knight.  
**Midvalley:** Oh, that's bad!  
**DQVash:** And yet I am well qualified, my lord! I am brave, courteous, bold, generous, affable, and patient.  
**Midvalley:** Yes… that's the list.  
**DQVash:** Therefore I would beg a boon of thee.  
**Midvalley:** Anything! …Within reason.  
**DQVash:** Tonight I would hold vigil in the chapel of thy castle, and at dawn receive from thy hand the ennobling stroke of knighthood.  
**Midvalley:** Hmmm… One problem, there is no chapel.  
**DQVash:** What?  
**Midvalley:** That is to say… It's being repaired. But if you wouldn't mind holding your vigil somewhere else?  
**DQVash:** _(Looks up at the sky)_ Here, in the courtyard. Under the stars…  
**Midvalley:** Fine! At sunrise, you'll be dubbed a knight.  
**DQVash:** I thank thee.  
**Midvalley:** Now will you have supper?  
**DQVash:** Supper? Before a vigil? Nay, my lord, on this night I must fast and compose my spirit.

__

Vash and Midvalley exit and Legato and Knives re-enter. Wolfwood and Milly have seemed to have disappeared… again.

****

Legato: There is either the wisest madman or the maddest wise man in the world.  
**Knives:** He is mad.  
**Legato:** He's kinda cute too… _(Realises what he just said)_ Not as cute as you of course… Uh… I mean… *coughs* It seems we've failed…  
**Knives:** _(Takes a few steps away from Legato)_ Not necessarily. We know the sickness… Now to find the cure…

__

Knives leaves. Legato stares longingly after him and sighs.

****

Legato: The cure. May it be not worse than the disease…  
_(sings)_ To each his Dulcinea,  
That he alone can name…  
To each a secret hiding place  
Where he can find the haunting face  
To light his secret flame.  
For with his Dulcinea  
Beside him so to stand  
A man can do quite anything,  
Outfly the bird upon the wing,  
Hold moonlight in his hand.  
Yet if you build your life on dreams  
It's prudent to recall,  
A man with moonlight in his hand  
Has nothing there at all.  
There is no Dulcinea,  
She's made of flame and air,  
And yet how lovely life would seem  
If every man could weave a dream  
To keep him from despair.  
To each his Dulcinea  
Though she's naught but flame and air!

__

Legato sighs yearningly again and walks off in the direction that Knives disappeared.


	4. Act IV

**__**

Man of La Mancha-Trigun Style  
Act IV

Cast-

Don Quixote - Vash the Stampede (DQVash)  
**Vash the manservant** - Vash the Stampede (Vash)  
**Sancho the manservant** - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (SanchoWW)  
**Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes** - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Wolfwood)  
**Captain of the Inquisition** - Chapel the Evergreen (Chapel)  
**Meryl the Whore/Dulcinea** - Meryl Stryfe (Meryl)  
**Midvalley the Innkeeper/The Governor **- Midvalley the Hornfreak (Midvalley/MHGov)  
**Dr. Knives/The Duke** - Millions Knives (Knives/MKDuke)  
**Padre Legato** - Legato Bluesummers (Legato)  
**Dominique the Niece** - Dominique the Cyclops (Dominique)  
**The Housekeeper** - Milly Thompson (Milly)  
**Rai-Dei the Barber** - Rai-Dei the Blade (Rai-Dei)  
**Monev, Head Muleteer** - Monev the Gale (Monev)  
**Leonef, Muleteer** - Leonef the Puppeteer (Leonef)  
**Zazie, Muleteer** - Zazie the Beast (Zazie)  
**Caine, Muleteer** - Caine the Longshot (Caine)  
**E.G. Mine, Muleteer** - E.G. Mine (EGMine)  
**Maria, the Innkeeper's Wife** - Random Female Prisoner. (Maria)

****

Songs-

"The Quest (The Impossible Dream)" - Don Quixote  
"The Dubbing" - Midvalley the Innkeeper, Meryl the Whore, and Wolfwood  
*  
Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun. I do not own "Man of La Mancha" which the script to, and the songs of, belong to Dale Wasserman and Joe Darion. The story of Don Quixote belongs to Miguel de Cervantes. I'm not making money off this, and I'm a broke college student anyway so there's no point in sueing me.

**********

__

Vash comes out into the courtyard and begins pacing.

****

DQVash: Now must I consider how sages of the future will describe this historic night… "Long after the sun had retired to his bed, darkening the gates and balconies of La Mancha, Don Quixote, with measured tread and lofty expression held vigil in the courtyard of a mighty castle!" _(He stops pacing and frowns)_ Oh, maker of empty boasts… On this, of all nights, to give way to vanity… _(sighs)_ Nay, Don Quixote- take a deep breath of life and consider how it should be lived.

__

Vash thinks for a second and then kneels, closing his eyes. To the side, Meryl enters, but stays in the shadows, listening. She is a bit cleaner now, her hair brushed and her face washed.

****

DQVash: Call nothing thy own except thy soul. Love not what thou art, but only what thou may become. Do not pursue pleasure, for thou may have the misfortune to overtake it. Look always forward; in last year's nest there are no birds this year. Be just to all men. Be courteous to all women. Live in the vision of that one for whom great deeds are done… she that is called Dulcinea.  
**Meryl:** _(Leaving the shadows)_ Why do you call me that?  
**DQVash:** _(Opens his eyes)_ My lady!  
**Meryl:** Oh get up!

__

Vash rises, his eyes wide with awe. Meryl seems to have cleaned up quite nicely.

****

Meryl: Why do you call me by that name?  
**DQVash:** Because it is thine…  
**Meryl:** My name is Meryl!  
**DQVash:** I know thee, lady.  
**Meryl:** My name is Meryl and I think you know me _not_.  
**DQVash:** All my years I have known thee. Thy virtue. Thy nobility of spirit.  
**Meryl:** _(Laughs bitterly and advances upon him)_ Take another look!  
**DQVash:** I have already seen thee in my heart.  
**Meryl:** Your heart doesn't know much about women!  
**DQVash:** It knows all, my lady. They are the soul of man… the radiance that lights his way. A woman is… glory.  
**Meryl:** _(turns away from him)_ What do you want from me?  
**DQVash:** _(sniffs the air, and his face turns toward the kitchen)_ Mmm Donuts…  
**Meryl:** What?  
**DQVash: ***blink* Oh, uh… I mean… I want nothing.  
**Meryl:** You're a liar and your squire is gay.  
**DQVash:** _(Jumps in surprise) _Sancho's gay!?  
**Meryl:** _(Nods)_ Yup.  
**DQVash:** I never knew… but you're right, I am a liar.  
**Meryl:** Now we get to it…  
**DQVash:** …I ask that I may be allowed to sleep with yo- I mean… serve you. That I may hold you in my arm- Uh… heart. That I may dedicate each victory and call upon you in defeat. And if at last I must give my life, that I may give it in the name of Dulcinea.  
**Meryl:** _(Looks away from him) _I must go… Monev is waiting. _(She turns to leave, but stops)_ Why do you do these things?  
**DQVash:** What things, my lady?  
**Meryl:** These ridiculous things you do!  
**DQVash:** I hope to add some measure of grace to the world.  
**Meryl:** The world's a dungheap and we are maggots that crawl on it!  
**DQVash:** My lady knows better in her heart.  
**Meryl:** What's in _my_ heart will get me halfway to hell! And you, Señor Don Quixote- You're going to take such a beating!  
**DQVash:** Whether I win or lose does not matter.  
**Meryl:** What does?  
**DQVash:** Only that I follow the quest.  
**Meryl:** _(spitting on the ground)_ That's for your quest! _(She marches away from him, but stops again and turns.)_ What does it mean… "quest"?  
**DQVash:** The mission of each true knight… his duty- nay, his priviledge!

__

(sings) To dream the impossible dream,  
To fight, the unbeatable foe,  
To bear with unbearable sorrow,  
To run where the brave dare not go.  
To right the unrightable wrong,  
To love, pure and chaste, from afar,  
To try, when your arms are too weary,  
To reach the unreachable star!  
This is my Quest, to follow that star,  
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far,  
To fight for the right without question or pause,  
To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause!  
And I know, if I'll only be true to this glorious quest,  
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I'm laid to my rest.  
And the world will be better for this,  
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,  
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,  
To reach the unreachable stars!

__

Meryl stares at him quietly for a moment, thinking. Suddenly she runs toward him and takes hold of his face, making him look her in the eyes.

****

Meryl: Once, just once, would you look at me as I truly am!?  
**DQVash:** _(Staring deep into her eyes)_ I see beauty. Purity. I see the woman each man holds secret within him. Dulcinea.

__

Meryl lets go of his face and backs away shaking her head. She turns to run but collides with Monev.

****

Monev: _(furiously) _Keep me waiting, will you!?  
**Meryl:** No! I wasn't- I didn't-  
**Monev:** None of your excuses! _(mockingly)_ My lady! My princess!

__

Monev slaps Meryl, sending her to the ground. Vash picks up his lance angrily and snarls.

****

DQVash: Thou wouldst _dare_ to strike a woman!?  
**Monev:** Get back, or I'll break your empty head!

__

Vash ignores him and swings the lance, clubbing Monev on the head.

****

Monev: That hurt you idiot! Zazie! Leonef! Muleteers!

__

The Muleteers appear, circling Vash. Meryl gets to her feet and picks up what's left of Vash's sword.

****

DQVash: Come one, come all! Don Quixote will vanquish armies!  
**Monev:** _(standing up)_ Beware the lance!  
**Meryl:** _(holding up the sword)_ Let him be!  
**Monev:** Back whore!  
**Meryl:** I said let him be! He's worth a thousand of you!  
**Monev:** You want then same then?

__

Monev pulls out his muleteer whip and snaps it at Meryl. She swings Vash's sword and knocks Monev in the side of the head. He falls, unconscious. Meryl turns to another Muleteer intending to do the same thing. Vash swings his lance around and hits a few Muleteers, but looses his balance and falls over, hitting himself with the lance. Zazie jumps in suddenly and swipes at Vash with a knife. Then Meryl hits Zazie on the head and all of the Muleteers are defeated.

****

Meryl: Hurray! Victory!  
**Midvalley:** _(Running out in a nightgown and bedcap.) _What is this? All the noise!

__

Suddenly Wolfwood slides across the stage, crashes into the opposite wall, pulls himself up and jogs back to Vash. Wolfwood's jacket seems to be missing and his shirt is in disarray, as well as his hair. He's looking a bit flushed.

****

SanchoWW: What happened? I heard fighting?  
**Midvalley:** What a dreadful thing!  
**Meryl:** What a WONDERFUL thing!  
**DQVash:** Sir Castellano, I would inform you, that the good has triumphed.

__

Vash groans and slowly crumples to the ground. Wolfwood leans over Vash and kicks him in the leg. Vash winces and glares.

****

SanchoWW: Are you hurt, Your Grace?  
**DQVash:** Nay…I'm just tired…  
**Meryl:** He _is_ hurt!

__

Meryl drops the sword and hurries to help. Maria enters in her nightclothes.

****

Maria: What happened? The madman! I knew it!  
**Midvalley:** Fetch some bandages!  
**Meryl:** _(She tears some cloth from her skirt to use as bandages.) _You poor man…  
**Maria:** Poor lunatic.  
**Midvalley:** Go to bed, Maria.  
**Maria:** I told you this would happen!  
**Midvalley:** Go to bed _now_, Maria.

__

Maria exits angrily. Midvalley begins to move the Muleteers around, and Vash awakens, in Meryl's arms.

****

SanchoWW: He's awake!  
**DQVash:** _(Stares at Meryl and smiles)_ Ah, might I be so lucky to always wake to such a vision!  
**Meryl:** _(Blushes a little)_ Don't move.  
**SanchoWW:** _(glancing around at the unconscious Muleteers)_ I must say, Your Grace, you certainly did a job out here…  
**DQVash:** We routed them, didn't we?  
**Meryl:** _(Grins) _They won't be able to walk for weeks!  
**DQVash:** My lady! It is not seemly to gloat over the fallen.  
**Meryl:** Ah, let them all rot in hell!  
**Midvalley:** _(After having helped move all the Muleteers off stage)_ Sir, I am a tame and peaceful man. Please, Sir Knight- I don't want to be inhospitable- but I must ask you to leave as soon as you are able.  
**DQVash:** _(Stands, with Meryl and Wolfwood's help. To Wolfwood)_ Where's your jacket?  
**SanchoWW:** _(Blush)_ Uh…  
**DQVash:** Nevermind, I don't want to know… _(To Midvalley)_ I am sorry to have offended the dignity of thy castle and I shall depart with daylight. But first, my lord, I must remind thee of thy promise.  
**Midvalley:** Promise?  
**DQVash:** True, it is not yet dawn, but I have kept vigil and proven myself in combat. Therefore I beg thou, dub me a knight.  
**Midvalley:** Oh! That… Uh… Sure. Let's get it over with.  
**DQVash:** _(To Wolfwood)_ Sancho-  
**SanchoWW:** Wolfwood.  
**DQVash:** Fetch my sword.  
**SanchoWW:** If I must…

__

Wolfwood picks Vash's sword up from where Meryl had dropped it and he gives it to Midvalley.

****

DQVash: My lady, I cannot tell thee how joyful I am that this ceremony should take place in thy presence.  
**Meryl:** _(Helps him to his knees)_ Be careful!  
**DQVash:** This is the moment that seals my vocation…  
**Midvalley:** Are you ready?  
**DQVash:** I am.  
**Midvalley:** Okay then… _(He touches the sword on either side of Vash's head)_ Don Quixote de La Mancha! I hereby dub thee a knight. _(turns to leave)  
_**DQVash:** My lord…  
**Midvalley:** I didn't do it right, did I?  
**DQVash:** If your lordship would make some mention of the deeds I performed to earn this honor?  
**Midvalley:** Oh, of course… _(clears his throat)_ Don Quixote de La Mancha, having proven yourself this day in glorious and terrible combat, and by my authority as lord of this castle- I hereby dub thee a knight! _(Turns to leave again)  
_**DQVash:** …Your lordship…  
**Midvalley**: I forgot something else?  
**DQVash:** It is customary to grant the new knight an added name. If your lordship might devise such a thing…?  
**Midvalley:** Hmm… _(He stares at Vash for a moment and then smiles)_

(singing) Hail, Knight of the Woeful Countenance,  
Knight of the Woeful Countenance!  
Wherever you go  
People will know  
Of the glorious deeds of the Knight of the Woe-  
Ful Countenance!  
Farewell and good cheer, oh my brave cavalier,  
Ride onward to glorious strife.  
I swear when you're gone, I'll remember you well  
For all the rest of my life!  
Hail, Knight of the Woeful Countenance,  
Knight of the Woeful Countenance!  
Wherever you go,  
Face to the foe,  
They will quail at the sight of the Knight of the Woe-  
Ful Countenance!  
Oh valorous knight, go and fight for the right,  
And battle all villains that be.  
But oh, when you do, what will happen to you  
Thank God I won't be there to see!

****

Midvalley/Meryl/SanchoWW: Hail, Knight of the Woeful Countenance!  
Knight of the Woeful Countenance!  
Wherever you go  
People will know  
Of the glorious deeds of the Knight of the Woe-  
Ful Countenance!

****

DQVash: Thank you…  
**Midvalley:** _(Hands the sword to Vash)_ Now, Sir Knight, I am going back to bed. And I advise you to do the same! _(Midvalley leaves)  
_**DQVash:** …Knight of the Woeful Countenance…  
**Meryl:** It's a beautiful name…  
**SanchoWW:** _(Helps Vash to his feet)_ Come, Your Grace. Let's put you to bed.  
**DQVash:** Not yet, I owe something to my enemies.  
**Meryl:** That account's been paid already!  
**DQVash:** No my lady, I must raise them up and minister to their wounds.  
**Meryl:** _What?  
_**DQVash:** Nobility demands.  
**Meryl:** It does?  
**DQVash:** Yes my lady. Therefore I shall take these-  
**Meryl:** _(Picks up the bandages) _No, I'll take them… I'll minister.  
**DQVash:** But-  
**Meryl:** They were my enemies too.  
**DQVash:** Wonderful woman!  
**SanchoWW:** Come on loony.  
**DQVash:** Who you calling loony, you queer.

__

Wolfwood's eyes grow larger and he lets go of Vash who falls to the ground, bleeding more.

****

Wolfwood:_ (Leaning over Vash)_ And just who are you calling "queer"?  
**DQVash:** _(wincing in pain, he points at Meryl) _She said you were-  
**Wolfwood:** _(furious)_ I AM NOT GAY!

__

He stomps off stage, leaving Vash to drag his own body to bed. Meryl leaves to minister to the wounds of the Muleteers.

****

DQVash: _(Under his breath)_ Ah, we all know you and Legato are getting it on in the back…  
**Wolfwood:** _(Offstage) _I HEARD THAT!  
**DQVash:** Whatever… _(He stares in the direction that Meryl has gone and sighs)_ How I envy mine enemies, that they know the healing touch of my lady Dulcinea! Let this be proof that Nobility triumphs, and Virtue always prevails. Now in the moment of my victory do I confirm my knighthood and my oath. For all my life, this I do swear…

__

(Begins to sing) To dream the impossible dream,  
To fight the unbeatable foe  
To bear with unbearable sorrow  
To run where the brave dare not go!

__

Vash's singing is interrupted by sounds above them. Suddenly all is quiet and the actors remember that they are in prison and not in La Mancha. Wolfwood walks nervously toward Vash, his eyes staring upward at the staircase… Waiting for it to descend.

****

Wolfwood: What's that?  
**MHGov: **The Men of the Inquisition.  
**Wolfwood:** What does that mean?  
**Legato: **They've come to fetch someone…  
**Zazie:** They'll haul him off- put the question to him.  
**Leonef:** Next thing he knows- he's burning!  
**Wolfwood:** _(worried)_ Are they coming for me?  
**MKDuke:** Possibly. What, Wolfwood? Not _afraid_? Where's your courage? Is that in your imagination too? _(Wolfwood backs away from Knives, his eyes wide with fear) _No escape, Wolfwood. This is happening. Not to your brave man of La Mancha, but to you. Quick Wolfwood, call upon him. Let him shield you. Let him save you, if he can, from that!

__

The stairway descends into the prison and robed men come down it. Vash and Wolfwood stand still, staring at the floor. The robed men seem to approach Wolfwood and point in his and Vash's direction. The guards accompanying the robed men come forward and drag a man out from behind Vash and Wolfwood. They take him up the stairs yelling and screaming. The staircase rises again after them and everyone breathes out. Wolfwood's knees get a little weak and he sits on the floor running his hands through his hair nervously.

****

MHGov: Better?  
**Wolfwood:** …Not really.  
**MHGov:** Oh well… Let's get on with your defence!  
**Wolfwood:** If I might rest a moment…  
**MKDuke:** This La Mancha, what is it like?  
**MHGov:** An empty place, Great wide plains.  
**Zazie:** A desert.  
**MHGov:** A wasteland.  
**MKDuke:** Which apparently grows lunatics.  
**Wolfwood:** I would say, rather… Men of illusion.  
**MKDuke:** Much the same. Why are you poets so fascinated with madmen?  
**Wolfwood:** I suppose because we have much in common.  
**MKDuke:** You both turn your backs on life?  
**Wolfwood:** We both select from life what pleases us.  
**MKDuke:** A man must come to terms with life as it is!  
**Wolfwood:** I have lived a long time, and I have seen life as it is. Pain, misery, hunger… cruelty beyond belief. I have heard the singing from taverns and the moans from bundles of filth on the streets. I have been a soldier and seen my comrades fall in battle… or die more slowly under the lash in Africa. I have held them in my arms at the final moment. These were men who saw life as it is, yet they died despairing. No glory, no gallant last words… only their eyes filled with confusion, whimpering the question: "Why?" I do not think they asked why they were dying, but why they had lived.

__

Wolfwood rises from his position on the floor and stares at Knives sadly. Knives looks rather uncomfortable and backs away a bit, but Wolfwood continues.

****

Wolfwood: When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical is madness. To surrender dreams- this may be madness. To seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness. And maddest of all, to see life as it is and not as it should be.


	5. Act V

**__**

Man of La Mancha- Trigun Style  
Act V

Cast-

Don Quixote - Vash the Stampede (DQVash)  
**Vash the manservant** - Vash the Stampede (Vash)  
**Wolfwood/Sancho the manservant** - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (SanchoWW)  
**Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes** - Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Wolfwood)  
**Captain of the Inquisition** - Chapel the Evergreen (Chapel)  
**Meryl the Whore/Dulcinea** - Meryl Stryfe (Meryl)  
**Midvalley the Innkeeper/The Governor **- Midvalley the Hornfreak (Midvalley/MHGov)  
**Dr. Knives/The Duke** - Millions Knives (Knives/MKDuke)  
**Padre Legato** - Legato Bluesummers (Legato)  
**Dominique the Niece** - Dominique the Cyclops (Dominique)  
**The Housekeeper** - Milly Thompson (Milly)  
**Rai-Dei the Barber** - Rai-Dei the Blade (Rai-Dei)  
**Monev, Head Muleteer** - Monev the Gale (Monev)  
**Leonef, Muleteer** - Leonef the Puppeteer (Leonef)  
**Zazie, Muleteer** - Zazie the Beast (Zazie)  
**Caine, Muleteer** - Caine the Longshot (Caine)  
**E.G. Mine, Muleteer** - E.G. Mine (EGMine)  
**Maria, the Innkeeper's Wife** - Random Female Prisoner. (Maria)

****

Songs-

"Meryl" - Meryl the Whore  
"The Knight of the Mirrors" - Ensemble  
"A Little Gossip" - Wolfwood  
"Dulcinea (Reprise)" - Meryl the Whore  
"The Quest (Reprise)" - Meryl the Whore and Don Quixote  
"The Quest (2nd Reprise)" - Company  
*  
Disclaimer junk: Yeah, I don't own Man of La Mancha or Trigun, so nah.

****

**********

Wolfwood: Returning to my defence, I will tell you a little of what has passed. Don Quixote and his squire have left the inn behind, going forth in search of adventure. Meryl was not there to see them off however. The reason being, that when she went to minister to the wounds of the Muleteers, they took advantage of her and carried her off. We now set our hero on a road of La Mancha…

****

DQVash: _(sings)_ I am I, Don Quixote  
The Lord of La Mancha  
Destroyer of evil am I,  
I will march to the sound of the trumpets of glory  
Forever to conquer or die!

****

SanchoWW: I don't understand.  
**DQVash:** What, my friend?  
**SanchoWW:** Why Meryl thinks I'm gay.  
**DQVash:** Uh… well, I could answer that, but I might get my ass kicked for the trouble…  
**SanchoWW:** _(glares)_ So why are you cheerful? First you find your lady, then you lose her again.  
**DQVash:** Never lost!  
**SanchoWW:** She ran off with those mule drivers…?  
**DQVash:** Ah, but undoubtedly with some high purpose…  
**SanchoWW:** (_rolls his eyes) _ High purpose with those low characters?  
**DQVash:** Sancho, Sancho-  
**SanchoWW:** Wolfwood.  
**DQVash:** Always thine eye sees evil in preference to good.  
**SanchoWW: **There's no use in blaming my eye; it doesn't make the world, it only sees it. Anyway, there's something my eye sees truly enough. Gypsies! Let's make a wide track around them, for they're a scurvy lot and Your Grace can't deny _that.  
_**DQVash:** _(Rolls his eyes)_ There, thou fallest into the trap of thy peasant mind again.  
**SanchoWW:** You're saying that they're _not_ thieves and murderers?  
**DQVash:** Do not condemn before thou knowest! _(A gypsy girl approaches)_ Shhh, there's a hot one!

__

The girl begins to dance with her Pimp encouraging her. Wolfwood covers his eyes and shakes his head as Vash drools all over his "horse", with giant hearts in his eyes.

****

SanchoWW: She's nothing but a slut and he's her-  
**DQVash:** Stop it with your suspicions! Dost not understand what they are saying? These two are brother and sister, offspring of the noble Gypsy Lord, Sidi ben Mali. Sweet maiden, what wilt thou?  
**SanchoWW:** I think _I _know what she wilt!

__

Vash "dismounts" and the girl approaches him, dancing. She seizes one of his hands and places it on her right breast.

****

DQVash: _(His voice cracking)_ She wishes me to feel the beating of her heart. And such is her innocence that she does not eve know where it is…

__

Vash looks as if he's going to faint from pleasure as the girl takes his other hand and place it on her left breast.

****

SanchoWW: She doesn't seem to know how many hearts she has either…

__

Vash has an inane grin on his face, and Wolfwood "dismounts", pulling him from the girls grasp, unwillingly. The Gypsies begin to dance and laugh, and sing.

****

DQVash: _(Listening)_ Much as I surmised.  
**SanchoWW:** What are they saying?  
**DQVash:** As most grievous tale. The noble Sidi ben Mali hath been taken captive and even now lies deep in a dungeon not fifteen miles from here. While these, his faithful family and retainers, travel the countryside in hope of raising a ransom.  
**SanchoWW:** Don't do it! Don't give them any money!  
**DQVash:** Thou wouldst ignore a fellow knight in jeopardy? Here, sweet maiden- with all my heart.

__

Vash give the girl some money and winks at her. Wolfwood shakes his head in disbelief. Behind them, the Gypsies are stealing their horses.

****

DQVash: Shame on thee for a reluctant Christian! Shame on thee for a parsimonious wretch! Same on thee for a small-hearted peasant! Shame on thee, Sancho, multiple shame!  
**SanchoWW:** Wolfwood. And the answer is still no.  
**DQVash:** Scrooge.  
**SanchoWW:** Broom head.  
**DQVash:** Queer.

__

Wolfwood reaches over and pulls Vash toward him by the collar.

****

SanchoWW: If you call me that one more time, I'll make sure you never have children.  
**DQVash:** _(Swallows nervously)_ Yessir.

__

The Gypsies all run off with the horses, leaving the two men broke and alone. They turn around and head back to the inn. Midvalley is crossing the courtyard humming happily. The sound of a bugle is heard. Midvalley cringes.

****

Maria: Don't open the gates! Don't let him in!  
**Midvalley:** It's the pig-butcher! Don't you remember? We expected him yesterday.  
**Maria:** No, no! Don't open-

__

Midvalley opens the gate and sees Wolfwood and Vash. He tries to close the gate again, but Vash sticks his foot in the door.

****

Midvalley: Not _again_. This place is closed! This castle has gone out of business!  
**DQVash:** What, sir? Deny the right of sanctuary?  
**Midvalley:** I hate to, but…  
**DQVash:** And to be a knight, dubbed by thy own hand…?  
**Midvalley:** It doesn't seem right… _(Sighs)_ Fine…

__

Vash and Wolfwood enter, Vash looking a bit worse off than Wolfwood, with a black eye.

****

Midvalley: More Muleteers?  
**SanchoWW:** Gypsies. They stole our money.  
**DQVash:** Quit Sancho.  
**SanchoWW:** Wolfwood. _(To Midvalley)_ They stole our horses too.  
**DQVash:** Yes, yes, you told me so…  
**SanchoWW:** They stole EVERYTHING.  
**Midvalley:** Why don't you declare a truce?  
**DQVash:** And allow wickedness to flourish?  
**Midvalley:** I'm afraid wickedness wears thick armour.

__

Unnoticed by the rest, Meryl enters. Battered and bitter.

****

DQVash: And for that wouldst thou have me surrender? Nay, let a man be overthrown ten thousand times, still must he rise and again do battle. The Enchanter may confuse the outcome, but the effort remains sublime!  
**Meryl:** Lies. Madness and lies.  
**Midvalley:** Meryl! What happened to you? Are you alright?  
**Meryl:** Ask _him_. _(She points at Vash)  
_**Midvalley:** Maria! Maria! _(He exits to get bandages for Meryl)  
_**DQVash:** I shall punish them that did this crime.  
**Meryl:** Crime! You know the worst crime of all? Being born. For that you get punished your whole life!  
**DQVash:** Dulcinea…  
**Meryl: **Enough of that! Get yourself to a madhouse. Rave about nobility where no one can hear!  
**DQVash:** My lady…  
**Meryl:** I am not your lady! I am not any kind of lady!

__

(singing) I was spawned in a ditch by a mother who left me there  
Naked and cold and too hungry to cry;  
I never blamed her, I'm sure she left hoping  
That I'd have the good sense to die!  
Then of course there's my father-I'm told that young ladies  
Can point to their fathers with maidenly pride;  
Mine was some regiment here for an hour,  
I can't even tell you which side!  
So of course I became, as befitted my delicate birth,  
The most casual bride of the murdering scum of the earth!

****

DQVash: And still thou art my lady.  
**Meryl:** And still he torments me! Lady! How should I be a lady?

__

(singing) For a lady has modest and maidenly airs  
And a virtue I somehow suspect that I lack;  
It's hard to remember those maidenly airs  
In a stable laid flat on your back.  
Won't you look at me, look at me, God, won't you look at me,  
Look at the kitchen slut reeking of sweat!  
Born on a dungheap to die on a dungheap,  
A strumpet men use and forget!  
If you feel that you see me not quite at my virginal best  
Cross my palm with a coin and I'll willingly show you the rest!

****

DQVash: Never deny, thou art Dulcinea.  
**Meryl:** Take the clouds from your eyes and see me as I really am!

__

(singing) You have shown me the sky, but what good is the sky  
To a creature who'll never do better than crawl?  
Of all the cruel bastards who've badgered and battered me,  
You are the cruellest of all!  
Can't you see what your gentle insanities do to me?  
Rob me of anger and give me despair!  
Blows and abuse I can take and give back again,  
Tenderness I cannot bear!  
So please torture me now with your "Sweet Dulcineas" no more!  
I am no one! I'm nothing! I'm only Meryl the whore!

****

DQVash: Now and forever thou art my lady Dulcinea!  
**Meryl:** Nooo!

__

She collapses, crying. Vash moves to comfort her, but suddenly there is a fanfare of trumpets. Warlike and ominous. Wolfwood peeks around the gate and takes a few steps backward.

****

SanchoWW: Your Grace!

__

The gates swing open and a strange parade enters. There are many men, attending a tall knight on a black "horse". His armour is decorated with many small mirrors and his face is hidden by a large helmet with feathers. He is carrying a large sword.

****

Knight of Mirrors (KoM): Is there one here calls himself Don Quixote de La Mancha? If there is- and he be not afraid to look upon me- let him stand forth!  
**DQVash:** I am Don Quixote, Knight of the Woeful Countenance.  
**KoM:** Hear me now thou charlatan! Thou art no knight, but a foolish pretender. Thy pretense is a child's mockery, and thy principles dirt beneath my feet!  
**DQVash:** Oh, false knight! Discourteous! Before I chastise thee, tell me thy name.  
**KoM:** Thou shalt hear it in due course.  
**DQVash:** Then say why thou seekest me out!  
**KoM:** Thou called upon me, Don Quixote. Thou reviled me and threatened.  
**DQVash:** The Enchanter!

__

Wolfwood groans and Vash removes a glove and throws it on the ground in front of the Knight.

****

DQVash: Behold at thy feet the gage of battle!  
**SanchoWW:** Your Grace, no!  
**KoM:** On what terms do we fight?  
**DQVash:** Choose thine own!  
**KoM:** Very well. If thou art beaten thy freedom is forfeit and thou must obey my every command. And thy conditions?  
**DQVash:** If thou art still alive thou shalt kneel and beg mercy of my lady Dulcinea.  
**KoM:** And where shall I find this lady?  
**DQVash:** _(Points to Meryl)_ There she stands.

__

The Knight begins to laugh.

****

DQVash: _(drawing his sword)_ Monster! Defend thyself!  
**KoM: **Hold! Thou asked my name, Don Quixote. Now I shall tell it. I am called- The Knight of Mirrors!

__

The Knight brandishes his shield which is polished, like a mirror. His attendants do the same. Vash reels in front of each one, seeing his reflection in all of them.

****

KoM: Look Don Quixote! Look in the mirror of reality and behold things as they truly are. Look! What seest thou, Don Quixote? A gallant knight? Naught but a fool! Look! Dost thou see him? A madman dressed for a masquerade! _(The Knight and his attendants close upon Vash)_ Drown, Don Quixote. Drown- Drown in the mirror. Go deep- the masquerade is ended! _(Vash falls to his knees)_ Confess! The lady is a whore and thy dream the nightmare of a disordered mind!  
**DQVash:** I am Don Quixote, knight-errant of La Mancha… and my lady is the Lady Dulcinea. I am Don Quixote, knight-errant… and my lady… my lady…

__

Vash begins to cry, having been defeated. The Knight removes his helmet to reveal that he is really Dr. Millions Knives.

****

Knives: It is done!  
**SanchoWW:** Your Grace! It's only Doctor Knives! It's just Millions Knives!  
**Knives:** Forgive me Señor Vash. It was the only way…

__

Vash continues to cry and Meryl comes toward him, wanting to comfort him. The play is suddenly interrupted by shouting.

****

Chapel: Wolfwood! Wolfwood! Prepare to be summoned!  
**Wolfwood:** By whom?  
**Chapel:** The Judges of the Inquisition!  
**MHGov:** Captain! How soon?  
**Chapel:** Soon! _(He leaves)  
_**MHGov:** But not yet. Good. You'll have time to finish the story.  
**Wolfwood:** But it is finished.  
**MHGov:** What?  
**Wolfwood:** At least, as far as I know it.  
**MHGov:** I don't think I like this ending… _(There is a growl from the crowd) _I don't think the jury likes it either…  
**MKDuke:** Then he's failed!  
**MHGov:** Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes. It is the sentence of this court-  
**Wolfwood:** Wait!  
**MHGov:** For what?  
**Wolfwood:** If I could have a second?  
**MHGov:** I'll grant it… but will the Inquisition?  
**Wolfwood:** A few minutes only! Let me improvise…

__

Wolfwood wanders about and pulls certain actors out and whispers things in their ears. When he reaches Milly he whispers into her ear for a bit longer than usual and then kisses her cheek. Milly blushes a bit and nods. The actors take their places.

****

Dominique: _(Whispers to Knives)_ Can you do nothing?  
**Legato:** I'm afraid there'll be more need of my services than his. Where is he, I wonder? In what dark cavern of the mind?  
**Knives:** According to recent theory…  
**Legato:** Doctor, please.  
**Knives: **Don't you think I did right?  
**Legato:** Yes. There's the contradiction…  
**Dominique:** There are so many contradictions around here… _(sighs pitifully at Legato)_

Wolfwood enters.

****

Dominique: You again?  
**Knives:** Tell him to go away.  
**Legato:** What harm can he do?  
**Dominique:** Yes, it's all been done!  
**SanchoWW:** Your Reverence. Could I talk to him?  
**Legato:** I'm afraid he won't hear you.  
**SanchoWW:** Then I won't say much.  
**Knives:** No mention of knight-errantry!  
**SanchoWW:** Of course not. Does one speak of the rope in the house of the hanged? Oh- excuse me, Your Grace.  
**Dominique:** …Your Grace…  
**SanchoWW:** _(Sits by the bed)_ Just a few words… to lighten his heart.

__

(sings) A little gossip… a little chat…  
A little idle talk… of this and that…  
I'll tell him all the troubles I have had  
And since he doesn't hear, at least he won't feel bad.  
_(To Vash)_ When I first got home I asked Milly to marry me,  
But she told me not until I get a job.  
She started singing and sighing and crying from the heart.  
That if I had not left, she might say yes and not sob.

****

SanchoWW: Of course she will marry me, Your Grace, there's no denying that. No matter how much she pretends to ignore me, I know the truth…

__

Legato raises an eyebrow and Wolfwood blushes sheepishly.

(sings) A little gossip… a little chat…  
A little idle talk… of this and that…  
If no one listens, then it's just as well,  
At least I won't get caught in any lies I tell!  
_(Quietly to Vash)_ Oh, I haven't fought a windmill in a fortnight,  
And the humble joys get duller every day.  
Why, when I'm asleep a dragon with is fiery tongue a-waggin'  
Whispers, "Wolfwood, won't you please come out and play?"

****

Knives: That's enough.  
**SanchoWW:** Why? What did I do?  
**Knives:** I warned you!  
**SanchoWW:** I didn't do anything, I was only trying to-  
**DQVash:** Sancho.  
**SanchoWW:** _(Turns to Vash, everyone else stares in shock)_ Wolfwood. And did Your Grace say something?  
**DQVash:** You're a fag stuffed with proverbs.  
**Sancho:** And you're a broom-head who tries to attack windmills.  
**Dominique:** _(Runs to Vash)_ Uncle!  
**DQVash:** Dominique… Good morning Legato… or is it evening?  
**Legato:** Vash…  
**Knives:** How do you feel?  
**DQVash:** Not well.  
**Knives:** Can you speak your name?  
**DQVash:** Should a man not know his name?  
**Knives:** If you would say it anyway?  
**DQVash:** Vash the Stampede…. Legato?  
**Legato:** Here.  
**DQVash:** I should like to make a will…  
**Legato:** Of course… _(leave to get paper and ink)  
_**Dominique:** Uncle…?  
**DQVash:** Forgive me, Dominique. When I close my eyes, I see a pale horse… and he beckons me- mount.  
**Dominique:** No, you will get well!  
**DQVash:** Why should a man get well when he is dying? It's such a waste of good health. Come closer my friends. In my illness I dreamed so strangely! Oh, such dreams… It seemed I was a… No… I dare not tell lest you think me mad.  
**Dominique:** Put them from your mind!  
**DQVash:** They are gone, Dominique. Nor do I know what they mean. _(Legato reenters and sits at a desk)_ Legato?  
**Legato:** Speak and I shall write.  
**DQVash:** I, Vash the Stampede… with one foot in the stirrup and the agony of death already upon me…

__

Legato writes as a knock is heard at the door. Milly appears to answer it and smiles at Wolfwood. Dominique shakes her head at Milly, indicating that no one should be allowed to enter.

****

DQVash: …do hereby make the following disposition of my estate… To Sancho-  
**SanchoWW:** Wolfwood.  
**DQVash:** I leave my guns and my donut maker.  
**SanchoWW:** …Thanks… I think…  
**DQVash:** To my niece, Dominique the Cyclops, I leave the bulk of my estate, with the exception of a few other personal bequests which are as follows…

__

Milly backs into the room, being pushed by someone much smaller than herself. It is Meryl, who is dressed in nicer clothing and is much cleaner. She seems to have been doing better since she was last seen.

****

Dominique: What is this? Knives?  
**Milly:** You cannot! I say you cannot!  
**Knives:** It's that whore from the Inn.  
**Meryl:** Get out of my way, idiot!  
**Milly:** I tried to stop her… but she threatened to-  
**Meryl:** Tear your eyes out!

__

Milly whimpers and runs to Wolfwood, crying. Wolfwood grins and comforts her.

****

Knives: _(Walking toward Meryl)_ Get out.  
**Meryl: **And if you touch my again, by God-  
**Knives:** Get out of here!  
**Meryl:** Not before I see him!  
**Knives:** I'm warning you- go quietly or-  
**DQVash:** Let be.  
**Knives:** Vash…  
**DQVash:** In my house there will be courtesy! Come closer, girl. Now, what do you wish?

__

Meryl comes toward him.

****

Meryl: Don't you know me?  
**DQVash:** Should I?  
**Meryl:** I am Meryl!  
**DQVash:** I am sorry. I do not recall anyone of that name.  
**Meryl:** _(She looks around and points to Wolfwood)_ He knows!

__

Wolfwood opens his mouth to speak, but quiets when Knives glares at him.

****

Meryl: Please my lord!  
**DQVash:** Why do you say "my lord"? I am not a lord.  
**Meryl: **You are my lord, Don Quixote!  
**DQVash:** Don Quixote… You must forgive me. I have been ill… I am confused by shadows. It is possible that I knew you once, but I do no remember.

__

Knives takes Meryl by the arm and leads her away. Meryl allows herself to be led and then turns and runs back to Vash. She falls on her knees beside his bed, crying.

****

Meryl: Please! Try to remember!  
**DQVash:** It is so important?  
**Meryl:** Everything. My whole life. You spoke to me and everything was… different!  
**DQVash:** I spoke to you?  
**Meryl:** And you looked at me! And you called me by another name…

__

(sings) Dulcinea… Dulcinea…  
Once you found a girl and called her Dulcinea,  
When you spoke the name an angel seemed to whisper-  
Dulcinea… Dulcinea…

__

(Knives begins to lead her away)

Dulcinea… Dulcinea…  
Won't you please bring back the dream of Dulcinea…  
Won't you bring me back the bright and shining glory  
Of Dulcinea… Dulcinea…

****

Knives: I am afraid I must insist…  
**DQVash:** Let her be! Then… perhaps… It was not a dream…?  
**Meryl:** You spoke of a dream. And about the Quest!  
**DQVash:** Quest?  
**Meryl:** How you must fight and it doesn't matter whether you win or lose if only you follow the Quest!  
**DQVash:** The words… Tell me the words!  
**Meryl:** "To dream the impossible dream…" But they are your own words! "To fight the unbeatable foe…" Don't you remember? "To bear with unbearable sorrow…" You must remember! "To run where the brave dare not go-"

****

DQVash: _(singing)_ To right the unrightable wrong,

****

Meryl: Yes!

****

DQVash: To love, pure and chaste from afar,

****

Meryl: Yes!

****

DQVash: To try, when your arms are too weary,  
To reach the unreachable star!

****

Meryl: Thank you, my lord!

__

She reaches up and kisses Vash, full on the lips. Everyone stares in shock, except Milly and Wolfwood who had started making out ten lines ago. The kiss is broken and Vash blushes.

****

DQVash: My lady… *cough* _(He begins to get out of bed)  
_**Meryl:** My lord, you are not well!  
**DQVash:** Not well? What is sickness to the body of a knight-errant? What matter wounds? For each time he falls he shall rise again, and woe to the wicked! Sancho!

__

There is no answer. Vash looks around and sees Milly and Wolfwood off in their own little world.

****

DQVash: See? He is _not_ gay…  
**Meryl:** Okay, you were right.  
**DQVash:** Then… uh… Legato! Get my armour and my sword, I have adventuring to do!  
**Legato: **Uh… okay…

__

Legato gets up to get Vash's things but is intercepted by Dominique who is getting tired of Milly and Meryl getting the man of their dreams. She reaches up and pulls Legato into a deep kiss. Knives stares at her incredulously. Vash coughs and averts his eyes. The kiss is broken and everyone is silent as it settles into his brain that he was just kissed by someone of the female persuasion.

****

Legato: _(Thinks for a second) _…That wasn't half bad… 

__

Legato reaches forward and pulls Dominique into another kiss. Vash, Knives and Meryl all look at each other. Vash and Meryl shrug and join the make-out-fest. Knives throws his hands in the air and walks out. The sounds of the staircase is heard and it falls slowly into the pit. The making out all stops… Except for Legato and Dominique, who fall on the floor, out of everyone's line of vision. The Judges and Chapel enter, waiting for Wolfwood and Vash.

****

Chapel: Under authority of the Holy Office of the Inquisition! _(Reading)_ "By reason of certain offences committed against His Majesty's Most Catholic Church, the following is summoned to give answer and submit his person for purification if it be so ordered: Don Nicholas Miguel Wolfwood de Cervantes and Vash the Stampede."  
**Wolfwood:** How popular a defendant I am. Summoned by one court before I've quite finished with another. Well? How says the Judge?  
**MHGov:** _(Holding out the journal)_ I think I know what this contains. The history of your mad knight? _(Wolfwood nods and takes the journal)_ Plead as well there as you did here and you may not burn.  
**Wolfwood:** I've no intention of burning. _(To Vash)_ Well Vash, are we ready?

__

Vash looks upset, and glances at Meryl, who smiles encouragingly.

****

Vash: As ready as I'll ever be…

__

Wolfwood kisses Milly quickly and lets himself and Vash be led toward the stairs.

****

MHGov: Wolfwood… I think Don Quixote and Don Nicholas are brothers.  
**Wolfwood:** _(smiles)_ God help us, we're both men of La Mancha.

__

Wolfwood and Vash mount the stairs slowly, with Chapel and the other Judges following. Behind them, Meryl begins to sing.

****

Meryl: To dream the impossible dream,  
To fight the unbeatable foe

****

Meryl/Milly: To bear with unbearable sorrow,  
To run where the brave dare not go…

****

All the Prisoners: To run where the brave dare not go,  
Though the goal be forever too far,  
To try, though you're wayworn and weary,  
To reach the unreachable star…  
To reach the unreachable star,  
Though you know it's impossibly high,  
To live with your heart striving upward  
To a far, unattainable sky!  


*~Fin~*

__

Thanks for bearing with my demented mind. ^^;; I will now work on my Cowboy Bebop/Rurouni Kenshin/FF8 fics… unless Wolfwood decides he needs more and then I'll have to lock him in the muse dorm until I finish the other stuff. ^^;; It's been fun!

-Rhyein/Aozame Yokujin


End file.
